The Keeper Of The Garden Gate

My name is Gustav Xavier Kimmel-Weinstein Louvre-Smithly. What? You think it’s strange that I am German, Irish and French? Just proves Gnomes are everywhere. Tho I must admit I prefer a bit of green beer to fill my stein each evening.

Most just call me ‘Gus’. My job is to guard the garden gateway. No one crosses these perimeters without my knowledge or my consent.

There was a time when the majority of gnome people resided in caves and on mountainsides. That was before the 3rd Age when the separation between Gnomes and Trolls occurred. These days we gnomes stick more to gardens and places close to human nature. The world is safer near humans. Don’t ask me why. It just is.

Before the 3rd Age, according to the Origin of Gnomes, gnomes, fairies and elves all lived together in harmony. So much harmony, in fact, the fairies and elves began to breed with gnomes. The result was Trolls. Those pesky, evil controlling vermin caused the separation. Trolls exist just for the purpose of making gnomes lives miserable. Miserable, I tell ya.

A gnome’s life is filled with turmoil enough just from the elements. Take winter, for instance. In winter gnomes live underground. It’s a lazy gnome who wants to be ‘stored’ in a warm dry basement without food or water for months. Humans think they are so caring but they are negligent. Killing us with love by wrapping us up in paper and packing us in boxes. Our surfaces become dry and cracked and it’s a chore to loosen up when we’re placed back in the garden come spring.

For the Garden Gnome the work doesn’t end just because the weather changes. The winter Garden Gnome cannot rest as the pampered Basement Gnome can. There are tree roots and flower bulbs that must be kept clean and free of entanglement. Nothing grows right when their roots get all twisted up. We have to polish the flower bulbs and keep them nourished so they grow tall and will bloom at the proper time. We have to keep all roots and bulbs free of pestilence. Of course things like snails and grub are our daily diet. A roasted cicada is the food of gods! But cicadas tend to go far deep to ground and they aren’t that easy to find. Moles on the other hand are our diggers and tunnel makers. You have to watch their claws, tho. Many a gnome has been near decapitated by mole claws. Mice too are our helpers, gathering seed and other bits for us to eat. We gnomes like to keep a general herd of mice to dig and sort the compost humans spread on the gardens. Mice are good for eating toomouse tail stew has filled many a gnome’s belly on a cold winter night.

Humans think the compost they throw out just disintegrates on its own. Humans are so foolish. They cannot see what goes on right before their eyes. We’re out there working to sort and clean the compost and all they do is spread it around in the spring with nary a mind to what has actually taken place.unless a rat finds the compost pile. Then the typical human runs off scairt and we gnomes have to clean that mess up too.

Rats are the vermin of trolls. Can’t even eat a nasty old rat. They taste like they smell. Baa! Just like trolls.

It’s another story, the trouble with Trolls. I’m not going to ruin this day talking about them now. Get yourself a copy of the Origin of Gnome. Read for yourself.

Now, you don’t mind me none. Go on over and sit there on the garden bench. I’m Gus and my job is to stand here by the garden gate. I’ll raise my sword to anyone who dares to disturb your peace.